Terror

So....now the terror settles in.  All of us PCOS ladies know that we have an increased risk of miscarriage.  I've told my mother about my positive test, who told my grandma and aunt, who told my uncle and 3 cousins...you can see how this is going.   So now I just get to wring my hands and hope it sticks...Not wring my hands in a worry constantly sort of way, but wring my hands in a "just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm getting a baby" sort of way.  I guess I won't really know that, though, until it comes out and it's okay...

The Donation...Revisited

Since we are half-way through the month, I thought I'd re-post my donation deal...

I've made a decision...to celebrate the birth of my new blog, I am creating a donation drive.  From now until 10 p.m. on February 28th, for each person I have listed as a follower of my blog I will donate $1 to diabetes research (which funds the insulin resistance research for people with PCOS).  So far, I'm donating $3 as of February 8...and only $6 as of Feb 14 :(.  I would LOVE to get that number higher!!!!  You have until 10 pm on February 28 to sign up as a follower of my blog to get your number counted for the donation!

P.S.  I plan to run this again in September, which is PCOS awareness month.

CD 22: 7dpo

I don't think I can wait any longer with the testing...did I mention I am addicted to peeing on sticks???

CD 21: 6dpo

I really really really hate standardized tests.  The kids are squirrelly,  I am squirrelly, and at three 30 minute tests a day, we all just want to puke.  Top that off with the valentines day party this afternoon, a snow day yesterday, and my impending and pressing test date approaching, and you have the perfect recipe for disaster.  This two week wait is moving soooooo painfully slow...

CD 20: 5dpo

So, according to SMEPing (start doing it cd 8, then ever other day until you get a + OPK, the three days straight, skip a day, one more day) I have to wait until 15 days after my first ovulation test positive to test.  Do you count that first positive as day 1 or day 0?  If it's day 1, then FF's test date would be 15 days...if it's day 0, I should wait until Friday to test.  I'm thinking Friday would be better, since it's mid-winter break and I won't have school.  

Alas, I am NOT a patient person.  Patience is a virtue I have not been blessed with.  Compassion? Yes. Perseverance? Sure.  Hope? Yup.  Patience? Big Fat No.  So saying I will wait until Friday and actually waiting until Friday are two different things.  I think I've actually decided in my mind that my internet cheapies are not real tests, anyway, so they don't count.  Two cycles ago I used internet cheapies and OPKs (cuz they'll turn positive, too, if your pregnant - Amy, if you don't believe me, try peeing on one!  We all know you're NOT ovulating right now!) to get me through, and didn't take my first REAL test until my test date.  Last cycle I used $ store tests and got real-looking evaps at 9, 10, and 11 dpo and got my period at 12 dpo, two days before my test date (FF has since adjusted my test date to be 13 dpo).  Soooo....  either the $ stores don't work for me (which they ALWAYS did before) or there was a bad batch of them at the $ store by work.  Maybe they froze in the truck during delivery or something.  I've never had an evap on an internet test, though.  

Soooo...I will wait to Friday to pee on a real pregnancy test.  If I get the urge to pee on something, I'll pee on an OPK, since that's not a REAL test anyway...Maybe I need to cut strips of computer paper out and start peeing on them...maybe that would satisfy the urge, too!

CD 19: 4dpo

I had a horrible backache this morning...and twinges all day today.  It is way too early for this...I have 9 more days to go.  Ughghghgh.  Why is the two week wait two weeks long?  I can understand the whole having to wait until it implants and all, but the extra four days until it has produced enough hcG to be detectable at 10 miU?  Well, that's crap.  There should be a neon sign that flashes in the morning: "Congrats! You've implanted successfully!"  I would buy that sign!  This whole let's wait for kingdom come, Moses, and any other religious person or effect that signifies the end of eternity?  I'll pass...I'd like to find out sooner than that. 

So wait until Thursday, the 18th.  Although, technically, Monday is 10dpo.  I have 25 internet cheapies ($0.20 tests from ebay), 1 dollar store, 3 answer, and 2 clearblue digital pregnancy tests in my house.  I think I could stand to start testing on Monday.  If I use a cheapie Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, an Answer on Thursday (if I get this far and TEDDY TAMPON isn't needed), and a digital on Friday (which would be 14 dpo and would certainly register on a digi - don't you think?), then I would still have enough tests left over for a repeat of the above plan for next cycle, too.  What do you think?  Should I start testing Monday?  Negatives don't bother me so much...or is it too much test anxiety?

CD 18: 3dpo

Can you believe I'm even able to post a title like that??? 3dpo on CD 18 - W.T.F? 

So, I go to a superbowl party last night, and I learn that my husbands best friend's new girlfriend (well, new as in a few months anyway) has PCOS, and she's just as nutty as I am about finding stuff that works!  We sort of clicked, and next thing you know we were talking about his supplement and that symptom and this feeling and that time frame, and my husband and his friend are just looking at each other like we were crazy.  Which we are.  I love all you guys, but it's kinda nice knowing I have a IRL person to talk to about it all, too.  She's (quite obviously) not to the baby-trying phase yet, but I'd have to say she's got a leg up on me anyway cuz she's been reading about all this for much longer.  I just took BCP for 16 years and stuck my head in the sand about it all.

So, now the analyzing of signs starts.  Mild cramps today, tired on Saturday, I have the urge to eat coffee cake - am I pregnant?  If it's not questioning and waiting for one thing it's another...I'll never be free...once you're knocked up, you're waiting for the second trimester so you can tell everyone...then you're waiting to find out what it is...then you're waiting to deliver...then you're waiting until he's 18 months so....then you can wait until you ovulation....to wait and see if your pregnant....wait for the second trimester....I see this not ending soon for me.......

CD 17

Shit. I had this whole post ready to go about making Superbowl Sunday a national holiday because I can't stop packing my face on junk food, and I lost it. Apparently when you hit 'end' on your cell phone, it doesn't ask you if you're sure like a real computer would, it just ends. Like, as soon as you hit the button. And it doesn't save anything. So all my witty jokes about cheesy poofs and potato chips are gone forever, lost in the abiss of undeliverable mail. Damn cell phone.

I've won one square already. That means in 2 hours, I've created a 400% profit for myself. Nice.

I am petitioning the name change of Superbowl Sunday to National Pack Your Face Until You Puke And Make Room For More Day. It's what we all do anyway..No? Well, I guess I never was normal...

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

CD 16 and WOW

My temps are up this morning.  I have NEVER NEVER NEVER ovulated on a normal day before.   I am soooo jumping for joy right now that all I can do is sit on my couch and stare at the wall in disbelief.

I probably should add that while I've been taking the DCI I've cut out caffeine.  I drink decaf coffee now, and only have a pop once in a while (like, once a week or so).  I read somewhere that caffeine can negate the effects or inhibit inositol from working, and you're supposed to take it in the morning about a 1/2 hour before breakfast.  It sort of seemed counterproductive, so I switched to decaf.

I've been sleeping GREAT lately, my hair is not falling out in such great quantities, and I find I'm not as hungry all the time as I used to be.  When I AM hungry, it's usually just hungry now (instead of low sugar), although I have had the shaky low sugar feeling twice since starting it.  But my fasting sugar at that point was 75 and 80 (it's supposed to be around 100), so I'm not sure why I had that feeling in the first place, since hypoglycemia usually needs to have sugar levels much lower than that (like in the 40-50s).  So perhaps it's making my body more receptive to changes in my blood glucose levels.

So I need to wait for about 2-3 more days of higher temps before I can officially begin my celebration, but I am cautiously optimistic at this point.  Amy - we've been SMEPing, so maybe I'll be 11 weeks behind you?  Keep your fingers crossed!

CD 15

The doctor saga....the promised story...

So a few days ago (CD 13) I wrote about my sadness...I was having a rough day.  The kids at school were awful, and I had to stay an extra 2 hours at work just to get all caught up from the madness that ensued in my classroom that day.  I came home, and spent quite a large amount of time Googling new medical PCOS research... looking for research cases in my area... grasping for straws.  

From here on, CAUTION, serious TMI warning...

Around 8:30, I go to take a shower, use the restroom, and there's blood.  Not the spotting I've been having since CD 11...blood...as in, bright red, period style.  My first thought? WTF.  So I hop in the shower to think things over, and decide to call my mom.  She's an RN, and while originally didn't approve of my self-medicating techniques to treat PCOS, she's come quite a way, and is beginning to realize I'm not talking out of my ass.  She says, call the on call doctor.  She's thinking since my last cycle was sooooo long, that perhaps I really am pregnant, and since I'm not getting any positive pregnancy tests, perhaps it's something to call the doctor about since it's possible it could be an ectopic pregnancy.

Fast forward 5 minutes, and now I'm freaking out...So I call the answering service for the doctor, and after waiting on hold for 7 minutes (no joke - hope it's not a real emergency), the lady says the doctor will call back.  She calls back after a short wait, and the madness ensues.  Here is a rough transcription of the call:

Doctor: This is doctor _______

Me: Thank you for calling me back.

(silence)

Me: So I'm calling because I'm not sure if I need to be seen right away or not.  

(silence) My mom, she's an RN, thought I should -

Doctor: How old are you?

Me: Me? I'm 30

Doctor: Okay, continue...

Me: Okay...Well, I've been treated for PCOS since I was 14 and went of birth control last June.  I've had erratic cycle lengths since.  My last cycle was 72 days, which ended on January 21.  I'm now on day 13, and am experiencing bright red bleeding.  The only thing that has changes is I've been taking a vitamin for blood sugar that ---

Doctor: Yes, Metformin

Me: Umm, no, it's a vitimin that helps level out the sugar levels.

Doctor: So let me get this straight.  You've always had irregular cycles, your last cycle was 72 days, and you're bleeding today, which is day 13?

Me: That's correct.  I just wondered if there was a reason to be concerned by this. It is highly---

Doctor: Are you hemmoraging?  Bleeding down the leg?  Dripping on the floor?

Me: Ummm, no.

Doctor: So you've always had irregular cycles and your paging me because you are having an irregular cycle and are concerned?

Me: Well, I know my body fairly well, I use a ferning test and an ovulation kit as well as charting to confirm ovulation, so I know up until last cycle everything was okay.  This bleeding today is not okay.

Doctor:  Mam, I am a conservative doctor.  I believe you are going about getting pregnant all the wrong ways.  Who is even giving you these ferning tests?  How are they being administered?

Me: Um, by me?

Doctor: And how are you perfoming these ovulation kits?

Me: Look, you lick a slide and look for ferning under a microscope, and you pee on a stick.  I don't understand what you are saying.  These are both available at your local CVS.

Doctor: It is my opinion that you are going about this the wrong way. Unless you are bleeding down your leg and onto the floor, this does not constitute an emergency.  You are having an irregular cycle.  My suggestion is to start paying attention to the days you bleed and the days you spot, write it down, and in 4 months if you are still irregular, you may want to come in and have your thyroid checked and have some bloodwork done. 

Me: I've had PCOS since I was 14.

Doctor: This does not change my suggestion.

Me: Okay, ummm, thank you?  (And I hang up on her)

So after wanting to throw the phone at the wall, and then sobbing because I feel I now know more than the medical community, and in the off chance I actually DO have an emergency, I am basically screwed.

So I am upset both at the rudeness of the doctor and the insinuation that I was both crazy at my efforts and stupid that she needed to talk down to me.  I was not taken seriously, and this upsets me.  I want her fired.

Fast forward 24 hours...

I got the chance to talk to my REAL doctor who called me from the office, and after describing the situation, said this is WONDERFUL news.  She actually said that...  She said my body is gearing up to ovulate, and the real spike I experienced from estrogen is nothing like my body has ever experienced.  She believes the bleeding (which stopped as suddenly as it started Wednesday morning) was estrogen withdraw bleeding as my spike ended and the LH took over.  She thinks this means my body might be normalizing.  I was a bit in disbelief until I went home and got a + ovulation predictor test.  The only other time I've gotten a TRUE positive was when an ovulation actually happened last cycle (not gearing up to ovulate and then fail).  I've had ovulation pains for the last 24 hours.  The only thing that makes me wonder is I've only had partial ferning for the last few days.  Who knows?

So.... what do you think about ALL THAT?????

The Donation...

I've made a decision...to celebrate the birth of my new blog, I am creating a donation drive.  From now until 10 p.m. on February 28th, for each person I have listed as a follower of my blog I will donate $1 to diabetes research (which funds the insulin resistance research for people with PCOS).  So far, I'm donating $3 as of February 8.  I would LOVE to get that number higher!!!!  You have until 10 pm on February 28 to sign up as a follower of my blog to get your number counted for the donation!

P.S.  I plan to run this again in September, which is PCOS awareness month. 

CD 13

Today I am sad.  Not bummed out, not pissed cuz I had a bad day, not tired, just irrationally sad.  I kind of feel like I want to cry at odd times.  Today I sort of feel like I did when I had my BCP patch that made me go hormonal and suicidal...no, you don't have to worry, I'm not suicidal...lol...but it's just that weird 'pit in your stomach', almost like a grief kinda of sad.  I guess it would be the feeling I associate with my middle school years (when I actually [i]was[/i] suicidal) showing up for a 6-hour visit.  I was fine at work with the kids.  I was even fine at work until 6 working at my desk.  Then I got in the car, and it was right there in my face.

My coworker, the one that's pregnant, who also happens to be the one that had been being a bitch to me earlier this year but has made a 180 turn and didn't realize I was having issues while watching her get bigger and bigger and now feels really bad, asked me today how my ovulating was going.  Odd lunch conversation, but I thought it was really nice of her to ask.  I told her since my last cycle was 72 days, I hadn't the faintest idea.  This was over chocolate cake. 

Perhaps I should go eat some chocolate...that might cheer me up.  I know it is definitely NOT on the IR diet...but I think dark chocolate doesn't count.  At least, according to the PCOS Workbook, it doesn't, so I'll go by that.

Please be nice to me...it's day 13, and no sign of ovulation in site.  At least last cycle I had all the markings that I might be gearing up to ovulate...none yet.  I want my DCI to make me ovulate EVERY CYCLE on day 14.  I think I'm asking too much.

CD 12

Sooooo.... did you know you can get ferning if you go to a comedy club, laugh your ass off, and have two rum and cokes?  Yup, apparently, you can get ferning if you've smoked, drank alcohol, or have had low blood sugar within the last 12 hours.  I find this funny.  Funny in a ha-ha-I-actually-thought-I-was-normal-when-all-the-ferning-was-trying-to-tell-me-was-that-I-might-be-a-lush kind of way.  Funny in an I-could-bash-my-head-against-the-wall-until-it-bleeds-and-then-heals-and-gets-infected-with-puss sort of ha ha funny.  That low blood sugar thing?  Yahhh...that's REALLY REALLY funny, considering with insulin resistance you could possibly get low blood sugar three times in one day if you tried really hard.  DAMMIT I hate PCOS.  

I've had no fertile fluid.  I know, I know, major TMI...  But I DID have this tiny tiny area on the scope today that had a piece of ferning in it.  I'm talking like, the size of a 18-point capital G on the ferning microscope size (I'm a techie geek, okay?  I relate in point sizes, the length of the hypotenuse between my house and Wal-mart and how fast that means I can get there, and what the value of x is throughout my life...thus, the title of the blog...leave me and my 18-point text fonts alone!)

To top all that off, I just ran like mad from a conference I'm supposed to be in attendance at until 4:00 (keep in mind it's 2, and I'm already home, and it's a 40 minute car ride) because a coworker showed up who felt like telling me that I wasn't being enough of a student advocate for a child in my classroom when she's the oaf who won't get off her dead ass to help any of my children.  Before I said something particularly heinous (thinking in my head of a Proverb I read two nights ago where loose lips lead to sin and it's better sometimes to just shut up - that's a loose paraphrase from an NLT version, but yes, it actually said shut up!), I picked up my belongings and left the building immediately.   I'd really really like a beer, but that would lead to ferning...and now we have just come 'round circle with my life and my current litany of issues.


BTW, just in case anybody cares, which I don't think you will, but my neighbor is talking REALLY loud, and I can hear her entire conversation...I think I heard something about doughnuts and bacon...I had a doughnut this morning with nuts on it...do you think the sugar from the doughnut will delay my ovulation, or will the protein and amino acids from the nuts bring it sooner?